HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! 🎉🎉🥳🥳

🎉🎉🥳🥳 🎉🎉🥳🥳 Happy new year, let all have an AMAZING year!!! 🎉🎉🥳🥳 🎉🎉🥳🥳

231231

 New day, new hope. It's new years eve and I'm actually feeling good. I got to sleep in and woke up to my little one jumping. on me and calling me mama. 

I'm home alone today so full focus on me and my studies. I can just feel that this is going to be a good day. 

//🦋😀

231230

 Hello lovelies, I had a long day today. It started off horrible with me not being able to get out of bed until noon, and just got worse.

I began my day with making waffles for the family and served them warm. After that. I just tried to get the day over with and survive somehow. 

231229

 I'm having a really rough day. I'm struggling to find the will to live. Last night was a nightmare, I ate calming meds (oxascand+lergigan) and eventually fell asleep. 

I put on a good face for my little on and dropped him off at kindergarten but as I just felt like somebody or something is pulling me down. I know that I'm on a fast train towards full on depression and I just wish for some relief, just for it to stop enough for me to have the chance to breathe. I wish that I didn't have so many responsibilities, that I could just die and be free. But what'll happen to those. around me if I'm not here to support and take care of things. I'm their rock while I'm dying from the inside. I'm their rock and they try to be mine, but they don't realise that I'm beyond help. There isn't a rock strong enough to handle my pain. Some days I can't help to wonder how it's possible to die over and over, to feel yourself fading away and still be around.

😢

It’s past 11pm and I’m struggling to keep up. I feel like screaming. I need this to stop. It hurts so bad that I can hardly think straight. I’m racing towards full on depression and the anxiety is killing me. Please make it stop. 

My story - Part 2 (Nov. 2017)

Okay, God I'm so tired.. And I have work tomorrow and I have no idea how that's going to go as things are messed up right now! I've been running around and making phone calls and all the entire day. I had a meeting today with the school, well with the guy that granted me disability aid, I wrote about him in my last post. Well, we had a talk... and you know what, this is going in another direction. I'll talk about the meeting later on, for now, let's just dive back in where I left.

So the sentence I ended the post with.. I get a room of my own to avoid panic attacks and to have some privacy, if I get them during an exam, etc. etc.

My story - Part 1 (Nov. 2017)

So how does my life look like right now? Well, I'm not in a good place, that much I can say. Good place or bad, why am I even here writing this blog? Well, my story and my memories are painful for me to think about but I think many might find that their stories are similar to mine. Details might differ but the pain, misunderstandings, and confusion will be the same. I went through hell and I am paying the price for that every single day. The stigma and the fear held me back and I want to remove that! So I'm here for those that can't talk for themselves because of the stigma that comes with mental illnesses or the fear of not being understood or even not understanding what it is you are going through.

Past post from 2017...

Okay so two days later annddd I'm not gonna continue the 'My Story' post now. I've been sleeping for over 15 hours after having had a crazy week. I'm still exhausted and have loads to do today, which is why this post isn't part 2. I just thought I'll quickly talk about bipolar and work/studies. As you guys know, I'm going through a rough patch right now and both my depression and anxiety are back. The timing sucks but then this isn't something that comes asking 'is this a convenient time for me to stop by?'

So I stayed home this weekend, yes I'm finally admitting to it, school was just an excuse, I felt like crap and couldn't get out of bed. The studying was from the bed.. well it eventually was me studying in bed. Me being this exhausted is partly because of my studies and work but mostly because I've had to deal with those two while fighting to get small things done, as in getting out of bed or into the shower. I have no idea how I got it done but it lead to me sleeping 15 hours and still feeling like crap.
So back to the subject, bipolar/depression(well I know how depression feels as well, I've had it for longer than my bipolar..) and studies and/or work. I'm going to start with the experience I've had that's been horrible so don't freak out or get pissed at me thinking I'm giving the wrong picture here  😋 just read till the end...

231228

 Hello lovelies, hope you enjoyed the holidays. I was thinking of sharing some of my old posts from a blog I had years ago.. In a way that'll show how I was coping and. how I was feeling back then and it. can be compared to how I doing today 6 years later..

I've been feeling better than I have in a long time. Finally saw some light after my migraine episode. The last two day were hard but still good enough. I dropped my son off at daycare and one of his old teachers were there. I'm talking about a teacher that he LOVED!!! She changed to another daycare in August and my son really missed her. He wasn't happy with the new teachers and crying everyday. It got better after I had a. meeting with the bitr. rektor, it's like the principal but one step under. Well back to today, she was soo happy and came to him, my little one was shocked and trying to remember her. And I was super stressed and didn't even say hi properly because I had to prepare him for an outing. Now I feel guilty. 

Guilt is one of the feelings. I struggle the most with. Always have..

231226

 🤶 🎄 🎉 🥳MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! 🥳🎉🎄🤶

I haven't written anything in a while. I've been busy spending time with my son and just watching Christmas movies and decorating gingerbread cookies. I've also had a really bad migraine on and off and could hardly get out of bed some days. It got so bad that I had to go to the hospital. I'm better now and hope I stay that way. My symptoms haven't been that bad but I've noticed that I've been shopping way to much.  I mean really wayyyy to much. That's one of my weaknesses and my biggest red flag.  I just hope that I'm not on my way to a manic episode. 

231209

 I've had some hectic days, feels like my mental state right now is at a full speed rollercoaster. I'm so used to keeping everything inside that I feel like I'll lose my mind. I can feel the pressure and know that I need to break the circle before it breaks me. 

I feel like I should be happy, Christmas is nearby and the entire city is glowing with beautiful decorations. I don't celebrate Christmas but it's still one. of my favourite holidays despite the cold weather. 

231204

 I've had a few ups and downs these pass couple of days, I've been super busy and didn't have the time to write anything. I've been using up all my energy on fighting against myself because I can't afford to break down  and this scares me. I honestly don't know what to do, I'm sitting in the library trying to study but I'm so tired. I'm beyond exhausted and I don't know how much further I'll be able to go.