20240701

 Hi biopsies, past midnight again and I can’t sleep. It’s like I’m afraid of falling asleep, the thought alone heightens my anxiety. I just keep on wondering if I’d been normal, just like anyone else, could I have gotten further in my life or is my failure my own fault. Did I not do enough? Did I do something to deserve this? I must have been an extremely horrible person to deserve this. I have type 1 and unfortunately, I know that it’s closer to the severe typ. I’ve had mani that’s gone on for months with a few days of extreme depression in between. I’ve had psychosis and paranoia. I have dairies from 2009/2010/2011, I was a teenager and in a psychosis. I’ve written about not knowing in which world I’m in, who to trust and not knowing the consequences of saying the wrong thing to a wrong person, one that wasn't from de world I was.

I know that it makes me sound like a crazy person, one that’s mentally unstable. But this is the truth, living with bipolar is hard and the stigma around it doesn’t help. I can’t help nor can I change who I am, I may hate that I’m bipolar, but would I still be me if I grew up like everybody else? My idea about this blog is basically to be an advocate, some one that won’t sugar coat the reality, someone that would help people to understand that we aren’t monsters, we’re just people, the same as you. But the reality of it, the way we live our life can be extremely different. I’m not saying that we all fall under the same categories, our symptoms vary even though we have the same diagnosis. 

I’m at a place where I’m falling, I’m hurting. I’ve already gone through the phase of feeling nothing, I would walk out during the middle of winter in a simple t-shirt just to feel something, anything. I almost began cutting myself hoping to feel something but stopped after seeing my little one through my camera. 

Everyday life sucks for me, I can never be truly happy other then when I’m with my little one.  Knowing that he loves me and needs me stop me every time. My baby is God sent, the greatest gift I’ve ever received. I need to go and try to sleep before I get a anxiety attack, sweet dreams biopsies