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 Hello lovelies, I had a long day today. It started off horrible with me not being able to get out of bed until noon, and just got worse.

I began my day with making waffles for the family and served them warm. After that. I just tried to get the day over with and survive somehow. 

I was sitting and trying to stay awake and to just find the will to breathe all while half panicking that my exam is on Thursday. I'm struggling to make it through the day and I honestly don't know if I'll pass this time and that sucks because I fight so hard to not fail. I know that  failing isn't the end of the world, but failing because your body and mind is failing you, that hurts so much. I've been a topper in gymnasiet, I've only failed the first try twice while studying to become a preschool teacher. Once was because we were told to be critical and my teacher failed everyone that included any criticism. I simply wrote my next exams like the sky was perfectly blue and the earth was covered in flowers, aka nothing was wrong in a situation were two girls are bulling another girl,  all while the teacher is watching and openly ignoring it. Guess what, I got the highest score 😪 The second time I planned it, it was a written exam covering around 12 books. The actual exam was divided into four parts and I intended to pass two on the first try and the other two on my second try. I managed to pass 3 in the first try and got such high marks all in all that I was given the highest score that term. 

Failing doesn't come easy, it makes me feel like more of a failure then I already am. I'm from a highly educated family where my mom is a judge, my dad an engineer and both my siblings are doctors. My dad was considered a mathematical genius when he was young because he could solve pretty much any mathematical problem you threw at him without the use of a calculator or computer, he would just ask for a paper and a pen and start solving it. I know that I'm not stupid, I don't lack anything IQ wise. It's just that my mind is at times my biggest supporter all the while making me fail at every stop and turn.

I'm the one that fell behind. It doesn't matter if I'm smart or that I have so much general knowledge that I can strike a conversation with pretty much anyone as long as I'm feeling well or manic. None of that matters because I thrive on pressure and can get so far ahead just by trying. The only problem is that while I can use the pressure to get ahead, the same pressure makes my symptoms show their ugly face. I crash in the middle and end up empty handed. I went to med school and made it through 2 years before crashing so bad that I couldn't work or study for two years. Two years!!!!!   I was on sick-leave for two freaking years just to get enough of a grip on life to be able to take a step forward without falling on my face.

I had some days where I wasn't even there. I couldn't process any information and was fumbling around in the dark just trying to understand which reality I was in and if it was real. I feel like the knowledge around bipolar just puts a person and their symptoms within a square box and that's that until they find info they consider important enough to process it as something fitting the medical guidelines. I know that I sound bitter and I am bitter. That's the ugly truth, after spending more than half my life fighting my own mind I know my symtoms. I know that I have blackouts during my worst manic episodes. It's like I have flashes about things I've done or places I've been but, I don't have the entire picture. Loads of doctors say that it's not possible cause it's not one of the symtoms they've included in their books, trust me I've read so many of the med-school literature ment for students specialising in psychiatry. But I'm living through it, trust me it happens! Either that or I'm crazy for real, but I prefer option one. 

A few years ago I read about a study that they wanted to try by comparing the structure of the brain by. taking EEG and loads of other tests like MRI etc. of people diagnosed with bipolar with others to see if there was a  difference. I know that one similar study was made where they found differences but they didn't have enough to publish it medically, basically to have it acknowledged. This was 5-8 years ago and I haven't looked into it again. Sometimes I do wonder if they ever followed up on this or if they managed to make a similar study that could actually get acknowledged. 

Either way, I'll probably look into it sooner or later and post my updates when I do. It's getting late and I have a long day waiting so I need my sleep. All that's left now is my meds before I go to bed. I really should have eaten my meds earlier, but nothing I can do about that now

Sweet dreams <3 🦋