I'm having a really rough day. I'm struggling to find the will to live. Last night was a nightmare, I ate calming meds (oxascand+lergigan) and eventually fell asleep.
I put on a good face for my little on and dropped him off at kindergarten but as I just felt like somebody or something is pulling me down. I know that I'm on a fast train towards full on depression and I just wish for some relief, just for it to stop enough for me to have the chance to breathe. I wish that I didn't have so many responsibilities, that I could just die and be free. But what'll happen to those. around me if I'm not here to support and take care of things. I'm their rock while I'm dying from the inside. I'm their rock and they try to be mine, but they don't realise that I'm beyond help. There isn't a rock strong enough to handle my pain. Some days I can't help to wonder how it's possible to die over and over, to feel yourself fading away and still be around.
I saw a few episodes of Cake Boss while waiting for my meds to kick in and I just put more salt on my wounds. I remember my wedding, my mother-in-law was more interested in getting my sisters opinion than mine. Even my sister noticed it and tried to involve me. I asked of two thing, to be able to choose my own wedding dress and to have a cake with strawberries in it. I was given a choice of around 10 dresses pre chosen for me, 8 of them didn't fit, something that they knew and kept saying that it's still a size bigger then my sister in laws. How did it not fit? I know I'm not skinny but to keep mentioning it is not nice. In the end it was two dresses I had to choose from and I didn't like any of them. My sister told me to go with the one that at least looked like a wedding dress, cause the other one was a joke. The only problem was that 80% of. the embroidery was hanging off the dress. I was an old dress that made me look lika a joke I stayed quiet because there was nothing else to do. Every time I put in an opinion they. tried to talk me out. of it because they thought they knew better.
The wedding. hall was a disaster, the chairs were broken and the bathrooms, I honestly think that the ones. at jail would be in better condition. I had dreams since I was a teenager that I would go shopping for a dress and jewellery. That I'd plan the wedding with my fiancé etc. etc.
Reality was a low budget wedding that had my dad beyond pissed. My brother had to calm himself down enough to be able to calm my dad down. My dad kept saying that if the. couldn't afford a wedding they should have said so. He would have paid for it instead of ruining all my dreams.
All of this would still be okay if my husband and in-laws were good to me. It was all a facade for them to come to Europe. My husband began talking about divorce on the morning after the wedding. He kept asking me and my brother and dad of how long it would take before he could come to Europe. How long into the marriage?
During my second visit with him, he kept exploding over little things. I asked if I could to to my uncles house from the. airport since it was my sisters wedding and I wanted to see her welcome. He exploded over the phone and stopped talking to me for over a week before I came. After I arrived he said that he. was my husband and. he would decide. How dare I try to tell him something like that. His mom and brothers wife were there and saw the welcoming and everything but he refused to let me go. He didn't let me go to meet my parents, sister, brother or maternal uncle until 3-4 days later. My uncle said that he was the head of the family and he understood that I must be tired from the trip but. he was hurt that I waited so long and didn't even call, my parents and siblings were all there and I didn't do more then to text. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law came everyday after that and I didn't. I simply said that those decisions weren't mine to make, I had to do as my husband wished me to do. My uncle looked at my husband and immediately understood the situation. He knew that my now ex-husband took drugs and talked a lot of crap around me. He openly said that he only proposed and acted like a good person before we got married so he would get a green card, he was open about cheating and kept saying that I was stuck with him either way.
This family pulled the same stunt on my then sister-in-law. They broke her down to the point that she tried to commit suicide 3 times before I was even married. The used to sit and laugh at her while the effect on what ever poison she'd gotten hand on made her choke. They would get her to the doctor just in time to save her. They were shamelessly open about the fact that they didn't care if she died or not. They only saved her to avoid getting charged with her death.
I remember that I used to ask him to help me with the heater as I hadn't handled that kind before and the electrical lines were 40 years old with no safety. He helped me once for show infront of others and after that he just ignored me. Guess what happened?.. I got such a bad electric shock that I fainted. I was lucky to survive. The shock made me fall backwards and not forward into the water, it saved my life.
Guess what my husband did. As soon as he came home and found out he came running like a crazy person to check on me. I got so happy that he cared until he opened his mouth and said that I scared the crap out of him. He was so angry over the fact that I could have died before he got his green card. He didn't talk to me for 3-4 days even though I was in so much pain. My parents were so worried and he didn't even care enough to stay home. His little brother stayed home because I was the only one that was nice to him. He always said that I was his big sister.
Well enough for today, I began this morning while feeling like crap. I ate an oxascand and went to the hospital with my mom to get her. weekly chemotherapy. As soon as I went home my migraine began again and I quickly ate a painkiller before fixing dinner. Mom is feeling like crap, I'm exhausted and so sad. My anxiety is killing me and all I want to do is to cry my eyes out. The only comfort right now is the fact that my little one is hugging me while watching firebuds on my tv.
// 🦋
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