I feel like I should give an intro since it's my first post.. Well here we go; I'm a single mom from Sweden with bipolar type 1. I have a three year old son and that is why my name here will be Butterfly after something my son showed me today. I study full-time and work every other weekend to make ends meet. I moved in with my parents when I got pregnant since my pregnancy was so hard that the doctors weren't sure I would survive it. I stayed because my dad filled the dad role in my sons life and it seems cruel to deprive him of that.
This blog is for me to vent and share what life looks like for a "normal" 30 year old single mom. The reality of life with bipolar isn't like in movies or all the negativity you read when you type bipolar into google, especially when you include type 1. There are more to a person then their diagnosis, I'm a daughter, a sister, a mom, a friend, a living breathing person. Yet the bipolar part of me is the only thing that matters once they know my diagnosis. They try to understand but the bipolar part makes them forget the fact that there was a person they knew, the person they liked and befriended.
I have hard times where I fight to stay alive, to breathe. I have times where life feels fine, normal, I'm the girl I was before my symptoms. And then there are the mania, I don't remember all I do, I know that I'm not violent, I just spend a lot of money and get really creative. People tell me that it's like I'm shining and can juggle more than they ever could, that I speak really fast, at times I lose the ability to distinguish between reality and fantasy. I don't know if I'm in a novel written by someone where I have no choice in the matter or if I'm in control without being in control.
And just when you think there couldn't be more or worse then the above mentioned states the mixed phase comes into play. This is the worst I've ever felt, I can't move because I'm so depressed, lifting a finger feels impossible because it feels like there is a block of 2 ton concrete on top of me. At the same time my mind is going a 1000 miles/sec. I can't focus enough to know my name, my social security number, where I am, where I'm from. I'm going crazy because I can't sit still I need to move but the 2 ton concrete block that goes by the name of depression won't let me. I'm being thorn into pieces from the inside yet I'm still whole on the outside.
So where am I today... I'm not having a good day, or a good week.. not even a good month. I'm struggling to get out of bed and smile, to attend classes, study in between and working all while caring for my son and trying to keep my moms mood up since she has cancer. I smile and play with my son while struggling to sit upright. I don't know how I do it, I just know that I love my son to much to give in to the dark side that's inside me, that never leaves.
We're not aliens but we're not like others either. We have feelings just like you all do the only difference is that our feelings become extreme and the in between doesn't seem to exist. I'm on meds just like most of us are and that helps a lot, but it doesn't take away everything. The depression is still there knocking on you shoulder and reminding you, and when that monster's quiet there are the looks of pity or fear that reminds you.
This is an unfiltered blog of what my life is like, my ups and downs. I hope someone with bipolar out there will read this and not feel as lonely in life as I have. That they'll know that they're not the only ones questioning if they're crazy or not.
I'll link the song I was listening while writing.. My song of the day...
//🦋
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