Hello lovelies, hope you enjoyed the holidays. I was thinking of sharing some of my old posts from a blog I had years ago.. In a way that'll show how I was coping and. how I was feeling back then and it. can be compared to how I doing today 6 years later..
I've been feeling better than I have in a long time. Finally saw some light after my migraine episode. The last two day were hard but still good enough. I dropped my son off at daycare and one of his old teachers were there. I'm talking about a teacher that he LOVED!!! She changed to another daycare in August and my son really missed her. He wasn't happy with the new teachers and crying everyday. It got better after I had a. meeting with the bitr. rektor, it's like the principal but one step under. Well back to today, she was soo happy and came to him, my little one was shocked and trying to remember her. And I was super stressed and didn't even say hi properly because I had to prepare him for an outing. Now I feel guilty.
Guilt is one of the feelings. I struggle the most with. Always have..
I remember things from my childhood, a period where I was struggling to keep up my act of being a normal kid while being convinced that I was crazy and scared that someone would find out and. send me away. Now I know that I was jumping up and down between depression and mania. I wouldn't sleep for 3-4 days while in a manic episode. I would spend the night redecorating my room, moving furniture around. I would either forget to eat or eat excessively. 7. days is the longest I've gone with no sleep. I would collapse and sleep for a few hours and then be back at it. I began writing books and aced my test even though I only read the material once. And then the depression would hit. I could sleep for several days just waking up to go to the bathroom and sitting with my family for a half an hour so they wouldn't suspect anything. My fear was worse than my depression. You can understand how bad my fear was knowing that I'm bipolar type 1. I had no fear while manic but somehow still managed to hide the worst parts of it.
Well back to my guilt, I feel so guilty for things. I've done in the past. I remember hurting my mom when I was. 12/13 years old, I'm not talking physically, I've never been violent no matter what state I am or have been in.
She was doing something nice for me, something I'd asked for for months. I wanted a henna tattoo and there were no henna artists around here back then. She did some digging and realised that I could get some kind of design if she cut out designs on a plastic sheet. She showed me what she had. done and I got so sad and angry. She had told me that I would get a proper design and I was pretty sure that it would fail if we went with here cutout. Now I know that the probability of failure was around 90%. But the way I told my mom, it really hurt her. I was feeling like crap and I was really looking for some light to keep me going. She so hurt and said that this was the best she could do, she didn't know how to make designs using a cone. She threw the design she'd worked with away and never mentioned it again. I still feel guilty about that. She. doesn't even remember it but the guilt is eating away at me. This was just one example out of sooo many and it doesn't matter if I asked for forgiveness or if the forgave me. I still feel so guilty over the fact that I made someone feel bad, feel hurt. I fight this guilt every day and the simplest mistakes brings every thing back, all the guilt from years past.
The fact that this teacher felt bad because my son didn't recognise her or the fact that I was busy with my son and stressed cause I was late and super tired makes me feel guilty. I saw her face when she went over to the kids she works with now and I feel like I should have been nicer by talking to her for a few min. I hope to see her again tomorrow and taking the time to talk to her. She was so nice to me after a few bumps in the beginning and she was wonderful with my son. He loved his daycare because she was there.
Guilt, ruins so many moments and still haunts me. I do wonder some time if anybody else feels the same way. I don't know anybody with bipolar and all I have to compare with is info online, some of websites and some from Facebook groups.
// 🦋
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