Okay, God I'm so tired.. And I have work tomorrow and I have no idea how that's going to go as things are messed up right now! I've been running around and making phone calls and all the entire day. I had a meeting today with the school, well with the guy that granted me disability aid, I wrote about him in my last post. Well, we had a talk... and you know what, this is going in another direction. I'll talk about the meeting later on, for now, let's just dive back in where I left.
So the sentence I ended the post with.. I get a room of my own to avoid panic attacks and to have some privacy, if I get them during an exam, etc. etc.
So since then, I've gotten this kind of help during my exams. I have subjects that I have retakes in because I still have bad periods which ends with me not being able to study, sometimes I can't even get out of bed, and I miss exams or can't prepare as much as others since I might have a week with no concentration and me almost shutting down. I'm better now since I have good meds but I still have these periods and there is nothing I can do about it. But it's not as bad as it used to be!!
Well, I had a meeting with the guy who granted me this and we talked. I mentioned that I had retakes and that I've been feeling like crap lately, I'm in contact with my psychiatric hospital here and we're trying to do something about it but it's still bad. And I asked him about my options regarding these retakes. I'm not the only one that has retakes in these subjects but I'm the only one with bipolar and disability aid, making my situation a bit different. So we talked and he said that he wanted the head of my program in the meeting with us since she could present the different ways we could go, so we booked another meeting next week. So I'll see what'll happen then but right now I know that I'm passing a lot as well as having retakes. I'm going forward just like I wanted to. It is possible to study with bipolar. In my case, my bipolar and my depression never stopped progressing, I don't know if it's like this for everybody though. So I no longer have manic episodes but I still have depression and anxiety. The depression isn't as bad and the anxiety attacks have gone from several times a day to maybe once or twice a week, more if it's a bad week and less if it's a good one. I write that my bipolar has gotten and still is getting worse, how can I say that? Well at the beginning, my depression was always there but it was as it's now (me on meds), bad but still bearable and my manic episodes consisted of me all of the sudden deciding to redecorate my room or go cleaning and not stop until it was as clean as it could get or go cooking the entire night all this while not sleeping for days in a row. I had loads of energy and nobody could get why I could go from being beyond happy to getting really quiet and not talking to anyone.
With time things got worse, my manic and depressive episodes got longer and my anxiety attacks would come more and more often. Around high school and after, by then I had begun to lose all control of myself at times, but I had gotten into a kind of system consisting of me locking myself in a room as soon as I could feel the crazy coming, I had no idea what it was so for me it was simply my crazy coming back. I had several psychotic episodes losing all grip on reality, I didn't know who I was or where I was or if I even existed. I remember them. But I hid it from everybody. I locked myself in my room and hid the key. Now I've gotten so far that I do more crazy things while manic, locking myself in doesn't work anymore since I open the door and walk out. I spend way more money than I have and the worst part is that I no longer remember most of what I do during this time. I have periods that I have no memory of and if somebody asks me about something I've done during that time I just stare at the looking like a question mark. It doesn't matter how much I try..
But no matter how hard it gets, no matter how much I just want to give up, and trust me it's more often than I would like it to be, I keep on. Sometimes it's because I have no other choice. Leaving isn't an option and sometimes I just need to remind myself of all the doctors and other people that have told me that being bipolar means that you can't go study things like nursing or go to med school and the stubborn me takes over, I don't like to be told what to do or what I'm capable of. They say that it's too hard for people that have bipolar, as if our disorder takes away on our IQ. I got into med school, I managed to finish about half of my second year and all of my first. I got into nursing school here which is really hard, just like the actual program, and I'm still in it. If I can do this, just imagine how much you can! I'm not the smartest, I'm just stubborn as hell and do my best to fight. It gets hard, it is hard most of the time. Working and having a hectic schedule doesn't mean that you can't make it. Loads of people will tell you that you can't but I'm saying that you can! And I'm saying this out of personal experience! Fight and when you need to talk, just contact someone. I'll be here and there are loads of doctors that aren't jerks, that'll help, that want to help! We have doctors here, head of departments, that have bipolar. They've made it to the top. If I could get stable enough, I would be able to go to med school here at a uni that doesn't screw you over and break you down(this is me being nice in my description of my last school). Right now at this moment I know I can't, I know that. It isn't what others have decided for me. I've looked at myself and at the fact that my depression is still here joined by my anxiety. You need to belive in yourself and then look at yourself and decide. Everyone will fail, nobody spend their entire life winning and if we had, how could we possibly appreciate the good in life.
xoxoxox L
P.S. This one is just to make you laugh 😋😉😂
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