So how does my life look like right now? Well, I'm not in a good place, that much I can say. Good place or bad, why am I even here writing this blog? Well, my story and my memories are painful for me to think about but I think many might find that their stories are similar to mine. Details might differ but the pain, misunderstandings, and confusion will be the same. I went through hell and I am paying the price for that every single day. The stigma and the fear held me back and I want to remove that! So I'm here for those that can't talk for themselves because of the stigma that comes with mental illnesses or the fear of not being understood or even not understanding what it is you are going through.
I often wonder why my life ended up like it did. You know the thoughts that creep into your mind, 'Is this karma? Did I do anything wrong? Why me? Why in general?'
The longer you're in this situation or this 'bad place' the longer it takes you to get them out of your head. Well, why me or you? Speaking of bipolar, both genetical and environmental factors 'decide' who'll develop the disease. As far as I know, I have mental illness running in my family on my dad's side and when I was 12 I changed to a new school and was bullied for a whole year for being different and refusing to change. Well, I tried to change in the beginning but realized that no matter how much I changed, it wasn't enough. So I stopped trying.
I know that I developed some new symptoms during that year. My anxiety attacks begun, I can clearly remember that I had these manic/depressive episodes during that year, mostly depressive though. I had probably started to develop them before that but during that year everything changed, it enhanced enough for me to clearly remember. So my 'why me' is that I have a mixture of both genetic and environmental factors, making me develop this disease. But I have that extra sweet cherry on the top that is the fact that I developed it earlier than most. This is unusual because, as I've written before, most develop bipolar during their late teens or early twenties, but unusual or not, there are many of us out there that developed this before they had reached an age for them to know or understand anything about mental illnesses. I was naive, still a child, I didn't understand or know. I simply convinced myself that this was normal, a part of growing up. Everybody my age sits at home crying every day and are up all night doing stuff like rearranging you DVD collection over and over again or cleaning or something else. Everybody hated their life, it's a natural part of growing up! Well, I eventually realized that this isn't normal so I went from thinking that all this is normal to giving myself the label of being crazy. And if anybody found out then I'll either end up alone, because no one wants a crazy person in their life, or locked away somewhere.
This went on for years. I would do my best in public by smiling and being the 'normal' person and then go home and lock myself in the room because I didn't even trust myself. I got so good at acting that I managed to fool my entire family. Only 2 persons saw through it, one of my closest friends that suffered from depression herself, I met her during high school(when I turned 16). She told me that I would smile but it didn't reach my eyes. She could see because she knew what to see. She told me that I would be this happy person the entire day but towards the end of the day I would become calmer, not talking as much, still smiling but I would be calmer. Calm isn't a word that properly explains what I mean, but hey I'm from Europe and English isn't my first language 😋😅
Okay well back to the second person, it was a doctor. She told me that I was this girl who joked around and always smiled and tried to make others smile but it didn't reach my eyes. It was as if I was dying from the inside, she only saw pain. She told me that she had suffered from depression herself when she was younger so it was the same story here, she saw something because she knew what to look for. Others never thought of there being anything behind my smile. Well after that I obviously learned to control that as well hiding everything and not even letting my eyes give me away, but she had seen and sent me to a psychologist. I didn't speak a word once there and eventually begun crying. I didn't say a word because of the stigma. I knew that any and every mental illness is labeled as crazy.
Well here in my country psychologist are very careful when it comes to kids. They try to avoid diagnosis and giving meds as children's' brains aren't fully developed. They do a ton of tests before taking any steps. I was there for 45 min and ended up with the following diagnoses; Severe depression, severe anxiety, and trouble sleeping. I got meds for all three of these but I refused to even pick them up from the pharmacy. Same stigma stopping me here. There are so many prejudices about people with mental illnesses and what we can and can't achieve. I was going through hell and was a teenager but I still helped my sister with her two kids during and after her divorce. I had the highest grades in my class throughout high school. I got into med school. But it took a toll on me. I was 19 when I broke, everything just fell around me. I had some kind of nervous breakdown, I was full on manic for over a month and then it changed and I slept for about 2-3 weeks. When I say slept I mean that I would wake up and be awake for an hour maybe two or three and then I would go back to sleep and not get up until 18-20 hours later. My mom would shake me but I could hardly wake up. Well, sleeping 24/7 isn't something you can hide, so eventually, my brother, who was in med school then, told me to seek help and from there it all begun.
I'm going to end here, for now. This post is getting really long and to be honest I have an exam paper I need to write so I'll continue later! If you have any questions or comments, just write below and I'll get back to you 😊
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