231209

 I've had some hectic days, feels like my mental state right now is at a full speed rollercoaster. I'm so used to keeping everything inside that I feel like I'll lose my mind. I can feel the pressure and know that I need to break the circle before it breaks me. 

I feel like I should be happy, Christmas is nearby and the entire city is glowing with beautiful decorations. I don't celebrate Christmas but it's still one. of my favourite holidays despite the cold weather. 

It's 1 am here and I'm hurting so much that I can't sleep. I need to scream, to cry, to feel anything but pain. And yet, I'm sitting here quiet trying to wait it out. When will I learn that I can't keep it inside. I'll go crazy and end up with either a manic episode, mixed episode or severe depression. I just hope it's not mixed. That's. when I'm the most suicidal, I can't handle that, I'm not strong enough. I lose everything, I lose my identity, my reasoning, any memory of any feelings. It's not pain, it's not happiness, it's such severe anxiety that you cannot imagine getting out sane or even alive. The anxiety takes over while. I'm fighting so I won't lose grip on reality. I'm holding on for life and it's never enough. 

I know that I need to get some of this pain off my chest so I decided to watch one of the best but sadness movie I've seen so far. It hits me really deep and I can't stop my tears. It helped a bit but I still have so much inside of me. I'm going to try to sleep now, I hope I feel better tomorrow. New day, new expectations, hopefully I'll have some new hope to get me through the. day. 

// 🦋