231204

 I've had a few ups and downs these pass couple of days, I've been super busy and didn't have the time to write anything. I've been using up all my energy on fighting against myself because I can't afford to break down  and this scares me. I honestly don't know what to do, I'm sitting in the library trying to study but I'm so tired. I'm beyond exhausted and I don't know how much further I'll be able to go.

I can't explain how but I can just feel anxiety and depression taking over. I wish that I weren't bipolar, I wish I was normal, but I know that I can wish all I want, I'm still a lost cause. No matter how "good" I feel, I always know at the back of my head that it's just temporary. It will come crashing down sooner or later. It's like I'm at war with myself, winning doesn't help me, it doesn't matter because I still lose no matter which way it goes. I feel like giving up but I know I can't. I feel like crying and screaming but I know I can't. I feel like dying but I know I can't. All I can do is keep my mask on and ignore the fact that I'm slowly fading away. I know that I'm not a priority, not now, not then.. There are worse things around me, at least that's what the world thinks, but they haven't experienced my symptoms. They haven't been through hell, they haven't seen or felt half of what I've felt and seen, not knowing, not understanding just makes me less of a priority. Maybe I'm the one making these assumptions, the world may not be as bad as I feel it is.  Maybe people have felt the same despair, it may be that I'm bias because pain is all I know.  But my experience has taught me to hide my pain because I've been judged every time I've tried to share. I want to be free to be me and feel what I feel. I want to be free to cry even though it's only on the inside, I just want to feel free even though I know I'm not. Hence my anonymous blog, no one knows me here and I'm as free as I can be.

// 🦋