My anxiety is killing me. I honestly don't know what to do. I ate 2 oxascand and I just hope they work. My mind isn't working right now, I just.. I don't know anything. I feel lost and I don't know what to do. This is my reality, this is my nightmare. How do I get out of it? Will I ever be free?
I'm listening to music and I don't know if it's helping or making it worse..
Don't cry.. the song is telling me to not cry. I can't cry, I'm empty inside, it's just anxiety. Nothing else left..
I'm in a weird place. I think I'm feeling okay but my mind keeps telling me that I'm not, and am I okay if I know I'm fighting to stay here? I feel like I'm at war with myself and I never know if I'm on the winning or losing side. But don't I lose a part of myself in both scenarios?
When did life get so complicated, wait a sec I actually have the answer to that question. When I first got depression and I didn't understand anything. I just feel like it's enough now, I'm going with hope and happiness today, I'm going to be okay, nothing can get me down.. Well I can't let myself or anyone else get me down.. I guess I'll see where this goes, it can't get much worse can it
// 🦋
Yesterday was hell for me. Woke up feeling like crap which turned worse over the course of the day. I broke down by the end of the day and felt like there wasn't anything left of me. I still feel broken inside, I always do and nothing can change that. I know that I'm broken beyond repair but I still have hope for the tiny pieces left of me. It exist during my good days and keeps me going, during my bad days it becomes the poison that suffocates the life out of me and yet somehow keeps me alive.
Today's thankfully isn't a bad day, it isn't good but it's better than nothing. I have no reason or energy to smile but I'm not consumed of pain either. It's a type of middle ground, if that exists for me.
I've had a super busy weekend with guest, cleaning, cooking and running after my son and my nephew. I don't mind being with them, I love how my nephew runs towards me and lifts his hands up. But I'm so tired that I'm forcing myself to get anything done today. I wasn't feeling that good this weekend either with the stress and all and to top it all of I went to work this weekend as well. I had several tests and one exam I needed to pass in order to keep working after December. You know the irony, I'm not even sure if I'll get to stay or if they'll give me the same options that they gave my friends.
I woke up feeling great, I made plans for the day and fixed my sons clothes to take him to a kids park in the city. I managed to get up and put away some laundry before it all went south hill. It's 4PM now and I made it this far without meds but the anxiety is so bad now that I can't stop shaking, I want to scream and jump and do anything just to make it stop but I don't have the energy to do more then breathing while still looking like a "normal person" right now.
I honestly don't know how to cope anymore, I saw a movie right now and the stupid happy ending part. I hate being the one who can't stand happy endings, the one who's so bitter because life keeps screwing me over. I was laughing throughout the movie and when I saw the ending I felt like something broke inside me. How is it that you can break and die over and over again but still be upright and breathing. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, like crying, like dying but I'm still here, quiet with my outer mask on. A happy person that has no problems in life.
I'm in the middle of studying and completely unaware of what's happening around me and all of the sudden I am on the verge of having a panic attack. I'm shaking as I'm writing this.. You know the reason for my anxiety.. While writing my notes I forgot to begin a new line without a capital letter. It doesn't help that the computer autocorrected it, I just went into full-blown panic and can't stop the anxiety.
A new morning, a new day. I'm actually feeling good today, it's 11:07 AM and I just woke up.. Well I woke up at 4 am and then at 7 am, but I went back to sleep within 45min. I'm planning to study all day long, not really feeling like it but still 😺
I watched Hunger games last night with my dad. I love that movie and it was the perfect end to a long day. I had a class until 5PM and went and picked up my son from kindergarten. I arrived about 1 hour before class began and went through a chapter in our literature, it was in preparation of the class.
To be honest I've been a bit reckless with my meds and that is probably why I've been feeling as bad as I am. And the stress of all that't been going on around me put me into a bad circle of anxiety, depression and borderline mania.
It's been a long and hard day. I spent most of the night awake with my son and you all know how well bipolar goes with no sleep especially when you've already taken your meds. But I made it through and around 5am my parents took over and I got about 3 hours of sleep. I'm still feeling ok to be honest, my symptoms were almost nonexistent during the day and the anxiety was okay to start with. Then I found out that my former idiot boss has made a huge mess for me at work and I might be losing it.. Yay me, right?! Now I have to figure out how to get a new job if they do decide to fire me, well they won't do that cause then I'd get severance pay.
I feel like I should give an intro since it's my first post.. Well here we go; I'm a single mom from Sweden with bipolar type 1. I have a three year old son and that is why my name here will be Butterfly after something my son showed me today. I study full-time and work every other weekend to make ends meet. I moved in with my parents when I got pregnant since my pregnancy was so hard that the doctors weren't sure I would survive it. I stayed because my dad filled the dad role in my sons life and it seems cruel to deprive him of that.
