...

 I honestly don't know how to cope anymore, I saw a movie right now and the stupid happy ending part. I hate being the one who can't stand  happy endings, the one  who's so bitter because life keeps screwing me over. I was laughing throughout the movie and when I saw the ending I felt like something broke inside me. How is it that you can break and die over and over again but still be upright and breathing. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, like crying, like dying but I'm still here, quiet with my outer mask on. A happy person that has no problems in life. 

What the hell went wrong.. How did I end up here? How the hell am I still alive? I've had depression since I was a kid and bipolar symptoms since I was 12 if not longer. I remember manic symptoms and crying and being scared that I was crazy. Being scared that someone would find out what I was and lock me up. I remember wanting to die over and over but being scared that I would survive and the consequences would be me ending up locked up in a mental hospital. Can you imagine a 12 year old dealing with this and surviving til she's 30. Surviving with a fake smile still plastered on her face... 

Welcome to my life, bipolar type 1, divorced and a single mom to a perfect little angel. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even bipolar, maybe I'm just crazy, the type that's not labeled yet. And yet I know that even though I'm bipolar, crazy and messed up on so many levels, I'm still a better parent than my ex. My kid will have a better life with me then he'll ever have with my ex. He isn't even worthy of being called my sons dad. 

Being bipolar for most of my life wasn't enough, I got an ass for a husband. I would have committed suicide if I hadn't gotten pregnant. I just wanted out of that relationship before he killed me. I would rather die at my own hands then beaten to death by his. The only good thing that came out of that marriage was my son. This happy ending reminded me of all that I lost out on. I didn't get to experience my teenage years because I spent those hiding who I was out of fear. I didn't get any love from the guy I married and to be honest my marriage was more of a bad joke where I was the one who got screwed over. So many lies that began unfolding the morning after my wedding and kept going until there wasn't even hope of a single good memory. I hated his guts in the end and felt sick every time I had to say that I loved him. I got use of all those years of perfecting my acting and made sure we got away alive. And now I have trusting issues, I always did to some extent but now it's combines with this bitterness inside of me that won't let me believe that there is good in this world. I have my son and I'm fighting for him so he doesn't end up like me. The real reason I'm still upright and breathing even though I'm broken beyond repair.

And as if all of this wasn't enough I know I'll regret watching this movie in the morning. It made me forget to take my meds in time and I'll feel like crap most of the day because I'll be so sluggish. The movie wasn't even that bad, at least it made me laugh and forget for a while.

//🦋