Anxiety here I come...

 I'm in the middle of studying and completely unaware of what's happening around me and all of the sudden I am on the verge of having a panic attack. I'm shaking as I'm writing this.. You know the reason for my anxiety.. While writing my notes I forgot to begin a new line without a capital letter. It doesn't help that the computer autocorrected it, I just went into full-blown panic and can't stop the anxiety.

I thought I was getting better.. I need to get out of this phase before I mess up my life. I've worked to hard to get myself to this place to screw it up now. I can't go back to hell, the low points in my life. But I feel like I've gotten on the express train heading that way. What am I doing now.. I'm listening to music while writing this trying to calm down. 

Is it helping.. I'm not sure, I hope so... I know if I take oxascand or Lergigan I'll end up so tired that I can't stay awake and I need to study. 

SHIT!! I honestly can't think of what I can have done to deserved to be bipolar, that I deserve this hell. I honestly don't know how long I'll be able to hang on some days. I'm fighting to breathe and then I look at my son remembering that he needs his mama and I continue fighting while smiling. I'm always smiling on the outside while breaking on the inside. I make sure no-one knows until I'm so far gone that I lose the ability to smile. Lucky me, right?!