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 A new morning, a new day. I'm actually feeling good today, it's 11:07 AM and I just woke up.. Well I woke up at 4 am and then at 7 am, but I went back to sleep within 45min. I'm planning to study all day long, not really feeling like it but still 😺

I watched Hunger games last night with my dad. I love that movie and it was the perfect end to a long day. I had a class until 5PM and went and picked up my son from kindergarten. I arrived about 1 hour before class began and went through a chapter in our literature, it was in preparation of the class. 

To be honest I've been a bit reckless with my meds and that is probably why I've been feeling as bad as I am. And the stress of all that't been going on around me put me into a bad circle of anxiety, depression and borderline mania.

Borderline mania for me means that I'm having some manic symptoms like my mind working on overdrive and taking in info that I see others struggle with, my mind just works like I'm all of the sudden smarter. I know that it doesn't make sense but that's what happens, all of the sudden I pass tests that are so hard and all it takes is me reading the literature once in top speed. I know it would have taken me days to memories all of that once I'm back to normal. I talk faster and I just seem to glow. That's what people have told me, those that don't know I'm bipolar or in a manic state. The main difference between my normal mania and this phase is that I don't know I'm in a manic cycle. I have no control, I feel like I do and I'm shopping like crazy and super creative, I talk so fast that people are struggling to understand. I'm multitasking so many things at once that people around me gets shocked because no matter how hard or the amount of things I'm doing or supervising at the same time, I manage to get it all right in the end. And the worst part of my normal mania is that I don't remember all of it afterwards, I know many doctors say that memory loss isn't normal and it doesn't happen during mania. I say bullshitology!! 

They hardly know anything about bipolar disease and it wasn't even talked about let alone studied until the early 1900. It was mentioned by a psychiatrist sometime during 1800 but it wasn't published or widely recognised until 1980. That's less than 50 years ago!! My experience has sadly been that they've struggled to medicate me, lithium gave me bi effects so extreme that they had to hospitalise me during me med change just to make sure I wouldn't react as badly to the new meds. Before that I had a psychiatrist tell me to go commit suicide because the. world would be a better place without people like me(people that are bipolar). Guess what, I tried to commit suicide within 2 years because I kept telling myself that it was true and things was going shitty for me and getting worse for the day ( I wasn't properly medicated and the same doc didn't care enough to help me, she would scream and curse at me when I would call her for help). In the end I thought that she was right and I took an overdose of meds, I don't even remember the meds I took, but I survived. 

My next doc realised that I was in the medical field myself and used to give me a list of meds once a week and ask me to look them up and decide which one I wanted. She said that I had access to medical literature that was used by med students and should look it up myself. She changed my meds once a week because they didn't seem to make any difference during that week. 

My next doc was the only one that had worked specifically with bipolar patients and she said I was misdiagnosed as bipolar type 2 by that psycho doc that told me to kill myself. She said I was a textbook case of type one. I had manic episodes that lasted more than a month and would be followed by depression so deep that I would lose my self. In between these to I would be in a middle ground where I had a hard time knowing who I was, where I was, was the world around me real or did I belong to another reality, another world where I was a person I didn't even recognised in that moment. Every time I would shift between different cycles I would feel like I was thrown from 100 floor building and crash landed. 

She adjusted my meds to the ones I'm still eating. But she was a bit surprised that I was still living a "normal" life and that I had managed to keep my symptoms a secret from everybody for so many years. She said that most of the patients she met with symptoms as bad as mine would need help by the government or live in LSS boende. She sent me to take IQ tests and I would meet her once a week to make sure I would be feeling okay and to make sure I wasn't suicidal. The IQ test went on for around 3 months and showed that I my IQ was higher that most peoples and my doc then said that it could be one of the reasons that I was doing better then most of her other patients. She was amazing!! The best doctor I've had!! But she was pregnant when I first met her and she had her baby about. 6 months in and I got a new doc and then a new one. I changed doctors 3 times in 2 years after her. 

This was 11 years ago. I've since moved to another state and I go to a private clinic. They've kept my meds the same as the ones' she pre-scripted and made minor adjustments over the years. I've had the luck of having the same doc for almost 3 years now and he seems to be a good doc. 

Gotta go study now 😋// 🦋

PS: Song of the morning 😋