231128

Yesterday was hell for me. Woke up feeling like crap which turned worse over the course of the day. I broke down by the end of the day and felt like there wasn't anything left of me. I still feel broken inside, I always do and nothing can change that. I know that I'm broken beyond repair but I still have hope for the tiny pieces left of me. It exist during my good days and keeps me going, during my bad days it becomes the poison that suffocates the life out of me and yet somehow keeps me alive. 

Today's thankfully isn't a bad day, it isn't good but it's better than nothing. I have no reason or energy to smile but I'm not consumed of pain either. It's a type of middle ground, if that exists for me. 

My day as I said was going ok until my boss called me to tell me that I can either quit or be put on leave for a year, there is no middle ground there. I've had anxiety since that call even though I kind of expected it. But I decided to be smart about the situation and said that they should put me on leave. That will make sure that I'm officially employed which means that my son won't loose his spot at day care. Other than that I contacted my old boss regarding a job there and she asked for new documents that shows that I've. passed my studies and a certificate from the police, pretty much a background check. I already have that for uni, it's printed on a special paper etc. so that it can't be fortified, and it basically means that I can work with kids. I have a different version of a police certificate for my current job as well that makes sure that I can work in that field. So she basically gave me my old job back as soon as I send in the documents. I requested a change in the part of the city that I'll be working in and she said ok immediately. 

All in all, I've had a pretty good day and I'm soooo thankful for it. I really need these days and moments to be able to survive the nightmares aka bad days. 

// 🦋