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 I've had a super busy weekend with guest, cleaning, cooking and running after my son and my nephew. I don't mind being with them, I love how my nephew runs towards me and lifts his hands up. But I'm so tired that I'm forcing myself to get anything done today. I wasn't feeling that good this weekend either with the stress and all and to top it all of I went to work this weekend as well. I had several tests and one exam I needed to pass in order to keep working after December. You know the irony, I'm not even sure if I'll get to stay or if they'll give me the same options that they gave my friends. 

I'm just so tired tonight that I don't know if I should cry, laugh or just scream at the top of my lungs. I'm drowning under all my responsibilities and I have no way out of any of them. I'm so scared that I'll end up in the hospital again or that I'll become manic or depressed again because I can feel myself being dragged there.  It's an evil circle that pull me in. I wish I could just die and be through with it. I don't have the energy to keep going. I've officially lost, I don't have anything left in me. I've died so many times, been broken so badly that I'm done. I've wanted to die for years, I would pray for death because it's the only way I'll ever be free. But I have to many counting on me, I don't matter. Karma made sure I never did, I got dealt the life sentence without committing any crimes. Why was I chosen? Why didn't I matter enough to be spared.  I keep hoping that death will come but it seems like my punishment isn't over yet. I deserve to die a thousand times a day without losing the ability to breathe. I'm fighting so hard right now to stay alive, to not listen to the voice telling me to end it once and for all. The voice telling me that I deserve a break as well. I'm worth enough to be given freedom. And then I see. my son and I continue breathing and keeping my mask up. I realise that I wouldn't have gotten this life if I didn't deserve it. My mom keep telling me to turn to my faith and seek comfort in God, she doesn't understand that I'm to broken for that, I've tried and failed, I've questioned and talked myself into it again. I've. tried everything and anything. The person I once was is gone, dead. She died a long time ago, yet I still manage to die over again. I'm gone, my smile, my happiness everything that made me me is long gone and all I have left is pain and a mask to hid behind. I can't remember how it felt to be happy. I know I was happy when my son was born but I can't remember what happiness is and how it feels like. How do I find the will to keep going? 

//🦋