20240701

 Hi biopsies, past midnight again and I can’t sleep. It’s like I’m afraid of falling asleep, the thought alone heightens my anxiety. I just keep on wondering if I’d been normal, just like anyone else, could I have gotten further in my life or is my failure my own fault. Did I not do enough? Did I do something to deserve this? I must have been an extremely horrible person to deserve this. I have type 1 and unfortunately, I know that it’s closer to the severe typ. I’ve had mani that’s gone on for months with a few days of extreme depression in between. I’ve had psychosis and paranoia. I have dairies from 2009/2010/2011, I was a teenager and in a psychosis. I’ve written about not knowing in which world I’m in, who to trust and not knowing the consequences of saying the wrong thing to a wrong person, one that wasn't from de world I was.

Movie review "12th Fail"

 Hi biopsies, I’ve been thinking about adding to this blog. I watch my fair share of serials and movies and am recommending movies/serials and so on to those around me. So why not do that here, I mean I’m already share my views on the matter so why not here. The fact that I’m still awake is probably what prompted this, but either way, let’s jump straight in. 

The movie. “12^th fail” is presented as a true story about a boy, named Manoj, that gets advice from a police officer that honesty will always lead you down the right path. Manoj comes from a poor family and hasn’t got much of a future. His dad’s a person that always walks on the rights path no matter the cost. The movie basically tells the story of how far a person can you go, how much effort he/she is willing to put in in order to reach their goal. 

20240630

 Hi biopsies, it’s past midnight and I can’t sleep. I’m so sleepy but my anxiety is through the roof and that combined with a party next door, well let me say that their music and all of that is loud enough for people living in the next neighbourhood and probably the one following to recognize the songs and the DJ talking. What does that mean for me, well I’m in bed watching SVU and eating everything I can get my hands on. Yeah, I’m a stress/nervous/depressed/bored/etc. eater. 

20240628

 Hi bipolies, hope you’re all doing well. I’ve been gone for a few days and that’s mostly because I’m exhausted, completely drained out. There’s been so much around me that I’ve hardly gotten any rest. I’m sitting next to my little one who’s watching Spidey on Disney+ while hugging his spidey plushie. 

20240625

 Hi bipolies! It’s 1:32 am and I’m still up. I tried watching SUV but I’m to tired. A lot has happened since I wrote my last post. We’ve had guests and so has my family, so I’ve basically had a fake smile on my lips since it all began. I’m exhausted and just trying to survive. I thought I was doing well but the other day my sist put on her wedding film, I was still with my ex then and the memories and pain just came flooding in. I could feel my anxiety going through the room growing while I remember how scared I was. 

20240613

 Hello bipolies, I hope you've had a great week. It's been better for me if I'm being completely honest, I had a doctors appointment today and was put on sick leave until 18/7, I can't really decide on how I feel about that. I asked for this because I know that I'll crash if I keep fighting and ignoring my wellbeing but I also feel like a failure for not being better. I question everything and everyone, including myself. I just hope I'm going in the right direction. 

Moving on to other less depressing matters, the new Bridgerton season is finally out!!! I've really looked forward to this! I've read all the books and seen all seasons and love that they gave the queen a series of her own. I bought the book about Queen Charlotte and it arrived a few days ago. Have you guys finished watching season 3? I'm still halfway in and I've heard that there will be a hint to which sibling's in line for their own season. But regarding what I've seen so far, I love the new actress for Francescas role, fits perfect, but I got really disappointed in Lord Kilmartin. He's suppose to be sooo handsome and they're supposed to be drawn to each other at first glance. The actor, as awful as I may sound I just don't think he fits the role. 

20240610

 Hello lovelies, it’s 1:21 am and I can’t sleep. My allergies are killing me( not literally). But my entire body is itching like crazy. I’m torn and don’t know what I should do tomorrow.

20240608

Hi lovelies 🌸 I hope you’ve had a good day. It’s 23:24 here and my guests just left. I spent the day cleaning, getting myself and my little one ready, picking up the cake and some new clothes for my little 🦖. I’m turning 31 in a few days so my family got together and celebrated it today. 

I ordered a cake from a different shop today and went with a raffaelo cake. Apparently they ran out of raffaelo so I ended up with kinder bueno on top of the cake

I had fun but the truth is that I’m so exhausted, I was so tired by the time I got everything done. I keep telling myself that I have to return to work and that I can’t sit around at home all day. But at the same time I know that I really need to relax before I kolaps. It’s hard when those around you don’t really understand what us bipolis go through. Our depression isn’t the same as those with only depression. Our manic episodes aren’t all fun and games even if we might be seen as more fun or easier to be around. I’m back at the same place mentally after every single manic episode. I feel shame over how I’ve acted, what I said and what I did. I carry every mistake with me every day. I can’t just forgive and forget. It’s a circle going round and round. 

I sometimes wonder how we managed to get this far, doctors doesn’t seem to really understand what it is, the only drug that is specifically for treating bipolar is lithium. The rest is trying a mix of different combinations until you find the right one. Okay this one is going dark and I don’t have the energy for it so sweet dreams. Stay safe, stay you❤️

//🦋

240606

Hello lovelies! It’s been 6 months since I’ve written anything here. Alot has happened yet nothing’s changed. I realized that I’ve been riding a roller coaster going for manic to depression during 2022. I realized that I’ve been manic for months at a time during 2023, I’ve basically tried to get help since 2022 cause I didn’t feel as if my meds were working. I told them that I had hypo manic episodes but got no help