Hi biopsies, it’s past midnight and I can’t sleep. I’m so sleepy but my anxiety is through the roof and that combined with a party next door, well let me say that their music and all of that is loud enough for people living in the next neighbourhood and probably the one following to recognize the songs and the DJ talking. What does that mean for me, well I’m in bed watching SVU and eating everything I can get my hands on. Yeah, I’m a stress/nervous/depressed/bored/etc. eater.
I’m just so tired of everything, so tired of being me, of feeling like this. I’m honestly at the place where I wish I would just die so that I can get some relief. But then I look at my little one and my family, I’d mess up my kiddos life and probably send him into a downward spiral, I’ll simply be transferring my pain to others. Life sucks, life being bipolar sucks and being a single mom with a horrible marriage behind me and having. Enough responsibilities to make a normal person go crazy. But then what’s normal? Are any of us normal? Or are we all messed up in our own little world? I’m going up and down, constantly, I hate really hate losing control, being scared that I’ll become the crazy version of me, the paranoid version. My mixed states and mania lately often come with paranoia, the memory loss has been there from the start. I think that my mind is trying to protect me by blocking out parts of my memories. I remember shopping but can’t remember any details as in what, why and where I shopped, unless it comes in an amazon box.
Enough for tonight, I think the party has slowed down, the music isn’t as loud. I’m gonna eat my calming meds, my filmjölk and corn flakes and hope that I’ll be able to sleep soon. Sweet dreams bipolies
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