20240625

 Hi bipolies! It’s 1:32 am and I’m still up. I tried watching SUV but I’m to tired. A lot has happened since I wrote my last post. We’ve had guests and so has my family, so I’ve basically had a fake smile on my lips since it all began. I’m exhausted and just trying to survive. I thought I was doing well but the other day my sist put on her wedding film, I was still with my ex then and the memories and pain just came flooding in. I could feel my anxiety going through the room growing while I remember how scared I was. 

I was scared of making the slightest mistake and not knowing the consequences. I was scared to return to my husband and live with my in-laws. Going there my husband was so mad at me because I had asked him if we could go to my uncle house directly from the airport since everyone was going there to celebrate my sis upcoming wedding. He was so mad over the fact that I even thought of me saying something, suggesting something that he’d said “just wait, just wait until you come here and I’ll show you what’s waiting. I’ll show you!”. I was just trying to, hopping that his rage would have gone down before I arrived. I was lucky that my entire family was there and that he couldn’t do anything. I was terrified the entire ride “home” and he refused to let me be a part of the celebration. Once home he said that I was lucky that he decided to let me of the hook this time but that I should know that he was still pissed of. His mother went to the celebration but I, the brides sister wasn’t allowed to go. I ended up with a huge bruise below my shoulder. This is just one incident out of many. By then I was already on my way to not caring and just detaching from him, by the end of the stay I hated him. I hated him so much but I had to keep saying that I loved him and missed his cheating junkie ass. The threats escalated and he was horrified during my pregnancy. I hardly survived my pregnancy and he was praying that my baby would die in my womb because I deserved that. Once my little one was born and he began threatening my baby I left. 

The thought of all I went through on this trip, excluding my last visit a year prior, gave me an anxiety attack. I quickly went into my nieces bedroom and ended up crying. Okay I need to move on before I have another panic attack, I can feel my anxiety getting worse. 

Last I wrote I’d only seen the first part of Bridgerton, I was complaining about the choice of actor that was chosen to play Kilmartin, I still think that the book portrayed him as extremely handsome, but the actor was a good match for Francesca. But I REALLY REALLY HATE the ending. What the hell where they thinking changing Michel to Michaela. I love that they’ve included Kate as a character that’s spent most of her life in India and soon but this is taking it WAYYYYY to far. How the hell were they thinking??! According to the books Francesca is supposed to marry Michel a year after the death of her husband and eventually have two kids. Same sex marriages where not a thing back then, it was viewed as unholy and those that choose that lifestyle, well lets not go into gory details. And what about the kids??! In vitro is impossible back then and either way they’d need a sperm downer. I might very well choose to skip future seasons that include them. Anyways, sweet dreams/🦋